Jonathan and I drive and talk before eating at Texas Roadhouse to plan out our Monday trip...Monday, Monday, MONDAY!
December 31, 2005
December 29, 2005
How Far Will You Go?
I love my laptop a lot and the opportunities it affords me, like sitting outside and enjoying the sunshine, win, weather and environment while typing and looking around all at the same time. I don’t even have to look at the screen to see what I am typing, I can just type and think and look around. I can’t do this with writing. I have to think about every word I write and watch it to make sure I am writing in the lines. I suppose I could get better at it and be able to write and not look at the paper, but I think that would be hard. This typing has come easily to me however ad I can do it with very little thought. In fact, I can almost type at the speed I think. Atleast, I can type much closer to that speed than I could if I were writing.
The reason I came outside to type, to sit and to think outside alone at all is that I often just do’t do it. I sit inside the house, or inside my room, or inside my classrooms at school and I am overcome with the darkness, or the sounds, or the expectations, responsibilities and chores. At home it is the trash, the dishes, the laundry, the cleaning up. In my room at school it is the writing e-mails, vacuuming the carpet, completing assignments, answering calls, finishing projects, filling out goals and talking with friends and neighbors. In the classroom it’s sitting sit, raising my hand, writing notes, answering questions, completing assignments, paying attention and smiling, laughing, grinning, smirking and blankly staring. When I’m at home I dream of adventures gone by and often get excited about having new adventures. At school I long for late night Gamecube excursions and hours and hours of frisbee playing. In the classroom I want to stand up on the desk, yell crazy caveman-like howl and rip open all of the curtains. I want to live outside and bask in the sunlight, run in the rain, dance in the snow, roll in the leaves, play in the dirt and fly against the wind. In so many ways I want to liberate myself from the confines of our society, culture, traditions and values. I want to smack off all of the excess pettiness that has clung to the core of what we all live for in the first place. I want to pull off all the excess layers of make-up and clothing and masks and accessories that distance me from those around me I love. I want to yell my feelings, whisper my dreams and embrace my true self around all of my neighbors instead of sitting quietly and raising my hand with the right answer. I want to get out of bed excited, I want to eat breakfast and taste it, I want to live throughout the day and feel it. I want to enjoy my life because I’m living and experience the journey because I’m journeying and I think I can do it. I think we can all do it a little at a time and a tiny bit each day. We all get the little feelings and the little inklings to do weird little things…like sitting on the driveway in a fold up chair with your laptop. Soon the inkling might be weirder and weirder and like my dad says, whatever you do it gets easier to do the next time. If you do what you want it will get easier to do what you want the next time. If you don’t do what you want, it will get easier to not do it the next time. Life is calling, how far will you go?
The reason I came outside to type, to sit and to think outside alone at all is that I often just do’t do it. I sit inside the house, or inside my room, or inside my classrooms at school and I am overcome with the darkness, or the sounds, or the expectations, responsibilities and chores. At home it is the trash, the dishes, the laundry, the cleaning up. In my room at school it is the writing e-mails, vacuuming the carpet, completing assignments, answering calls, finishing projects, filling out goals and talking with friends and neighbors. In the classroom it’s sitting sit, raising my hand, writing notes, answering questions, completing assignments, paying attention and smiling, laughing, grinning, smirking and blankly staring. When I’m at home I dream of adventures gone by and often get excited about having new adventures. At school I long for late night Gamecube excursions and hours and hours of frisbee playing. In the classroom I want to stand up on the desk, yell crazy caveman-like howl and rip open all of the curtains. I want to live outside and bask in the sunlight, run in the rain, dance in the snow, roll in the leaves, play in the dirt and fly against the wind. In so many ways I want to liberate myself from the confines of our society, culture, traditions and values. I want to smack off all of the excess pettiness that has clung to the core of what we all live for in the first place. I want to pull off all the excess layers of make-up and clothing and masks and accessories that distance me from those around me I love. I want to yell my feelings, whisper my dreams and embrace my true self around all of my neighbors instead of sitting quietly and raising my hand with the right answer. I want to get out of bed excited, I want to eat breakfast and taste it, I want to live throughout the day and feel it. I want to enjoy my life because I’m living and experience the journey because I’m journeying and I think I can do it. I think we can all do it a little at a time and a tiny bit each day. We all get the little feelings and the little inklings to do weird little things…like sitting on the driveway in a fold up chair with your laptop. Soon the inkling might be weirder and weirder and like my dad says, whatever you do it gets easier to do the next time. If you do what you want it will get easier to do what you want the next time. If you don’t do what you want, it will get easier to not do it the next time. Life is calling, how far will you go?
December 23, 2005
So Much
Friends. Friends. Friends. Family. Family. Family. Love. Love. Love. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Christmas. Confusion. Closeness. Appreciation. Hugs. Trees. Presents. Fires. Candy canes. Warmth. Food. Smells. Handshakes. Milkshakes. Chocolates. Socks. Couches. Movies. Classics. Brothers. Moms. Santa. Dads. Grandmothers. Aunts. Cousins. Grandfathers. Uncles. Old relatives. New relatives. Sisters. Carpet. Animals. Pets. Flowers. Cakes. Late nights. Early mornings. Sunrises. Phone calls. Letters. Money. Smiles. Surprises. Touches. Thoughts. Thank you’s. Travels. Reflections. Traditions. Experiences. New memories. New Year’s. New semester. New friends. New chances. New resolve. New loves. New. You. Me. Us. We.
So much to remember. So much to come.
December 21, 2005
A Kind of Alive
I think one of the surprisingly wonderful things about family is closeness - a kind of closeness that you can only achieve after years and years of being together. I’ve written about it before when winning small high school writing contests and acing english papers, but I think I have only fully appreciated this closeness recently.
Mostly this is a result of seeing my family, my childhood, my parents and my life in a new light. For the first time I see Nat Hellstrom and Judy Hellstrom, not my parents. I see Leighanna Hellstrom and Elias Hellstrom, not my siblings. I see my family, close and extended, near and far, not as ideas but as people. Saying that, I have found it much harder to love a person than to love an idea.
When I was a child my parents and my friends’ parents would fix us meals. We would get breakfast, snacks, lunch, snacks, dinner, dessert, snacks and all kinds of things in between. We would eat watermelons by the pool, pizza on the porch, grilled cheese inside homemade sheet/blanket tents, peanut butter and jelly after playing football in the yard and then some lemonade after I would mow it. I would get food, I would love the food and I would pretty much leave it at that. I used to tell Omega (my best friend Jessica’s mom) thank you for the little pizza she would make for us, but I didn’t think a whole lot about how Omega was feeling that day. I used to get excited and hug my parents when they would bring home Dominoes Pizza for dinner, but I didn’t think about how their relationship was going, how work was treating them, how that jury duty went, how it felt to be late on the electric bill or how that twenty-item household chore list was coming along. I wasn’t expected to think about it and I certainly didn’t offer up the consideration either.
The fact is, however, we college students are all getting older. We are paying for watermelons. We are making grilled cheeses. We make pizza, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and lemonades for ourselves. Not only that, we are proud of it and we often make quite a spectacle of ourselves. We eat homecooked meals and we think, holy snap…thank you. We do just what our parents always said we would do. We are becoming older, we are becoming adults and we are becoming appreciative. It’s rough and it’s tough, but it’s only fair. It’s real and it’s who we really are. When I say “I love you” to my mom and dad, when I hug my brother and sister and when I bring home a 2% milk carton it’s a lot different now. It means something different. It’s more closeness than I have ever felt before and it’s makes me feel much more alive than I ever did. It’s not like a “yippee!” kind of alive. It’s almost more like a…“thank you” kind of alive.
Mostly this is a result of seeing my family, my childhood, my parents and my life in a new light. For the first time I see Nat Hellstrom and Judy Hellstrom, not my parents. I see Leighanna Hellstrom and Elias Hellstrom, not my siblings. I see my family, close and extended, near and far, not as ideas but as people. Saying that, I have found it much harder to love a person than to love an idea.
When I was a child my parents and my friends’ parents would fix us meals. We would get breakfast, snacks, lunch, snacks, dinner, dessert, snacks and all kinds of things in between. We would eat watermelons by the pool, pizza on the porch, grilled cheese inside homemade sheet/blanket tents, peanut butter and jelly after playing football in the yard and then some lemonade after I would mow it. I would get food, I would love the food and I would pretty much leave it at that. I used to tell Omega (my best friend Jessica’s mom) thank you for the little pizza she would make for us, but I didn’t think a whole lot about how Omega was feeling that day. I used to get excited and hug my parents when they would bring home Dominoes Pizza for dinner, but I didn’t think about how their relationship was going, how work was treating them, how that jury duty went, how it felt to be late on the electric bill or how that twenty-item household chore list was coming along. I wasn’t expected to think about it and I certainly didn’t offer up the consideration either.
The fact is, however, we college students are all getting older. We are paying for watermelons. We are making grilled cheeses. We make pizza, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and lemonades for ourselves. Not only that, we are proud of it and we often make quite a spectacle of ourselves. We eat homecooked meals and we think, holy snap…thank you. We do just what our parents always said we would do. We are becoming older, we are becoming adults and we are becoming appreciative. It’s rough and it’s tough, but it’s only fair. It’s real and it’s who we really are. When I say “I love you” to my mom and dad, when I hug my brother and sister and when I bring home a 2% milk carton it’s a lot different now. It means something different. It’s more closeness than I have ever felt before and it’s makes me feel much more alive than I ever did. It’s not like a “yippee!” kind of alive. It’s almost more like a…“thank you” kind of alive.
December 13, 2005
Impermenance
Impermenance is around us all the time and especially evident to me in my conversations with my friends and family. Unlike life, AIM has a “save as” button which allows me to catalogue conversations for the future. When I do save conversations though, that really brings something home to me: saving it isn’t what’s important. What is important is that it happened, that the conversation was shared, and that two or more people grew and learned together from one another.
Love, friendship, sharing, learning, listening, talking and caring about other people happens here and now. I listen, I share, I listen, I share and it’s over. We move away. We think. We reflect. We change. We learn. We become better people and we move on to other conversations. It is difficult, wonderful, beautiful and sad all at the same time but it is life and living. I love my friends and my family very much and I think about them very often throughout the day, but something much deeper flows throughout my time with each of them. Somehow my journey in life is intimately threaded throughout the people around me. Each stranger I greet and open a door for, each teacher I thank and learn from, each friend I spend hours with talking about life, each sibling I hug and play with and laugh with, each moment I share with others defines me in a very real way. I can’t click a “save as” button on my life and I think it is best I can’t. Loving it as it happens is the best way to live it I think; loving each moment and letting it go, savoring each smile and letting it go, sharing each word and letting it go.
Thank you all so much for so many wonderful memories, for so many wonderful adventures and great conversations. It is a pleasure knowing so many wonderful people and existing in between so much love and friendship and care and goodness. I look forward to many great moments and I am glad to have had this moment to write about just a few of them.
Love, friendship, sharing, learning, listening, talking and caring about other people happens here and now. I listen, I share, I listen, I share and it’s over. We move away. We think. We reflect. We change. We learn. We become better people and we move on to other conversations. It is difficult, wonderful, beautiful and sad all at the same time but it is life and living. I love my friends and my family very much and I think about them very often throughout the day, but something much deeper flows throughout my time with each of them. Somehow my journey in life is intimately threaded throughout the people around me. Each stranger I greet and open a door for, each teacher I thank and learn from, each friend I spend hours with talking about life, each sibling I hug and play with and laugh with, each moment I share with others defines me in a very real way. I can’t click a “save as” button on my life and I think it is best I can’t. Loving it as it happens is the best way to live it I think; loving each moment and letting it go, savoring each smile and letting it go, sharing each word and letting it go.
Thank you all so much for so many wonderful memories, for so many wonderful adventures and great conversations. It is a pleasure knowing so many wonderful people and existing in between so much love and friendship and care and goodness. I look forward to many great moments and I am glad to have had this moment to write about just a few of them.
December 11, 2005
December Adventure!
This weekend was I think the best camping trip of my life. I have been on many trips, with many people, in many places, but this was the best yet. As I said in my Adventures journal, I am almost speechless at the collective awesomeness of Eagle Team and Bravo Team. Eagle Team was respresented by Anna “Mama Bird” Garrett, Danielle “Hawk-eye” Dolan, Josh “Rooster” Canup, Chase “Gully” Vaughan, Zoe “Wise Owl” Murray and Travis “Eagle 1” Hellstrom. Bravo Team was represented by Jodie “Osprey” Hall and Shaw “Albatross” Rowe. Together we hiked dozens of miles in below freezing weather, faired a pitch black set-up of camp, sang beautiful songs at well past midnight, laughed and giggled and played around for hours and hours and somehow still carried thousand pound packs and gear all the way back to the park entrance all within a 24-hour period. Everyone was so awesome, fun, wonderful, great, talented, rugged, impressive, funny, soothing, enjoyable, cheerful and outstanding. Maybe that is why this was the best camping trip I have every had. Maybe it’s also why I’ve never been happier or prouder to be part of Eagle Team.
I really appreciate the opportunity to be around so many wonderful people and I hope that I thank each of my wonderful team members throughout our winter break and then long after. Thank you all for everything and thank you especially to Albatross, Osprey, Gully and Rooster for great individual and group pictures! I look forward to more adventures soon and until then I will continue to reflect on your awesomeness, exactly like the movie. : )
I really appreciate the opportunity to be around so many wonderful people and I hope that I thank each of my wonderful team members throughout our winter break and then long after. Thank you all for everything and thank you especially to Albatross, Osprey, Gully and Rooster for great individual and group pictures! I look forward to more adventures soon and until then I will continue to reflect on your awesomeness, exactly like the movie. : )
- Eagle 1 Out -
December 10, 2005
December Adventure!
I am almost speechless at the collective awesomeness of Eagle Team and Bravo Team. You all hiked dozens of miles in below freezing weather, faired a pitch black set-up of camp, sang beautiful songs at well past midnight, laughed and giggled and played around for hours and hours and somehow still carried thousand pound packs and gear all the way back to the park entrance all within a 24-hour period. Mama Bird, Hawk-eye, Rooster, Gully, Wise Owl, Osprey and Albatross...I don't know what else to say. You are all awesome, fun, wonderful, great, talented, rugged, impressive, funny, soothing, enjoyable, cheerful and outstanding. You make me very happy and very proud to be a part of Eagle Team. Thank you all for everything and thank you especially to Albatross, Osprey, Gully and Rooster for great individual and group pictures! I look forward to more adventures soon and until then I will continue to reflect on your awesomeness, just like in the movie. : )
December 6, 2005
Baby Steps
Ever had a day where you planned to do a lot and then…didn’t do it? Man have I. Too many it seems some times. It’s like planning, goal setting, priorities and task lists can be so fun and hopeful but then the accomplishment of those things can be downright depressing. First you have goals, then priorities, then outlined tasks and then the needed action itself. At first I say, “I have to study atleast 3 hours tonight for Zoology.” This is a good start, but then I take it a step further, “Tonight I plan to study Zoology from 6 to 9pm.” Even better, but still it’s not a very specific goal. How about this one, “From 6 to 9pm tonight I am going to take my Zoology review materials for my final and I’m going to compile my list of review session notes, my class notes and the figures we need to study all into one document.” Personally, this is much more guiding and helpful. Now I know what I am shooting for and I can even plan to meet with other students with this document to share it, tweak it and eventually even approach the teacher to see how the old tests compare to what I’ve been studying.
In What About Bob? Dr. Leo Marvin (played by Richard Dreyfuss) treats a sociopath named Bob Wiley (played by Bill Murray). In their first session together, Dr. Marvin gives Bob a book called Baby Steps. It is about setting small, reasonable goals to help one get through the day. I think those “baby steps” are helping in the goal setting I am talking about. We have to be reasonable with ourselves and often patient in reaching our goals, however big they might be.
In What About Bob? Dr. Leo Marvin (played by Richard Dreyfuss) treats a sociopath named Bob Wiley (played by Bill Murray). In their first session together, Dr. Marvin gives Bob a book called Baby Steps. It is about setting small, reasonable goals to help one get through the day. I think those “baby steps” are helping in the goal setting I am talking about. We have to be reasonable with ourselves and often patient in reaching our goals, however big they might be.
"When thinking about leaving Bob,” said Dr. Marvin, “don’t think about everything you have to do to get out of this building. First just think about everything you have to do to get out of this room, then the office, then the hallway…see?”
“Baby steps…” said Bob. Baby steps.
December 5, 2005
Different
Often I have the opportunity to meet people who believe things other than I do about all sorts of matters. Those opportunities can be very scary at first and a thousand questions run through my head. Will I be accepted for who I am? Will I treat them how I like to be treated? Will they understand what I am trying to explain? Will they still like me? Will I still like them?
Often that fear slips away when we start to talk, and continue to talk, and don’t stop talking for hours. Language can be a beautiful method of communication about things which regularly cannot be spoken. Words can somehow mix with gestures, feelings and glances in a way which gets across an idea to another person and suddenly something happens. The other person hears you. You hear the other person. You both listen. You both start to learn from each other. Isn’t that the heart of understanding, knowledge and experience? We don’t know anything more than we know, so how can we create anything new? I don’t think we can. I think to understand something new, we have to put ourselves in scary, new, and exciting danger zones. We have to travel, we have to share, we have to make ourselves vulnerable. When we do this we are able to take in new scenery and new ideas, new ways of looking at things and new ways of experienceing life.
This can go for friends, strangers, family members and lovers. It can go for students, teachers, mentors and mentorees. For me it often happens with spiritual people who have a quality which is hard to describe – almost like a kind of peace in their minds. There are certain people who are wonderful to be around because they don’t want you to be anyone other than yourself. When you are around them you relax, you can just be yourself forever. With those kinds of people I relax. I often want to stay with them forever. We usually think about things very differently, but that has nothing to do with anything. What matters is that indescribable something which makes it possible for me to be myself around them. After such an experience this weekend I read my thought of the day from the Dalai Lama:
Often that fear slips away when we start to talk, and continue to talk, and don’t stop talking for hours. Language can be a beautiful method of communication about things which regularly cannot be spoken. Words can somehow mix with gestures, feelings and glances in a way which gets across an idea to another person and suddenly something happens. The other person hears you. You hear the other person. You both listen. You both start to learn from each other. Isn’t that the heart of understanding, knowledge and experience? We don’t know anything more than we know, so how can we create anything new? I don’t think we can. I think to understand something new, we have to put ourselves in scary, new, and exciting danger zones. We have to travel, we have to share, we have to make ourselves vulnerable. When we do this we are able to take in new scenery and new ideas, new ways of looking at things and new ways of experienceing life.
This can go for friends, strangers, family members and lovers. It can go for students, teachers, mentors and mentorees. For me it often happens with spiritual people who have a quality which is hard to describe – almost like a kind of peace in their minds. There are certain people who are wonderful to be around because they don’t want you to be anyone other than yourself. When you are around them you relax, you can just be yourself forever. With those kinds of people I relax. I often want to stay with them forever. We usually think about things very differently, but that has nothing to do with anything. What matters is that indescribable something which makes it possible for me to be myself around them. After such an experience this weekend I read my thought of the day from the Dalai Lama:
The spiritual discovery of people of other faiths is the greatest challenge of the twenty-first century. Some will see this as a threast to identity, others will see this as a completion of identity, the discovery of lost cousins and their worlds. The essence of humility.Humility and friendship I would say...what a wonderful challenge.
December 3, 2005
Kickball Kickoff!
Elementary school isn’t the only place kids play kickball. Today ten college kids got themselves out of bed on a Saturday morning and brought back the memories - running, diving, throwing, catching, passing, launching, rolling, frolicking, kicking and screaming. Team members included:
- Toni-Lyn “Veteran Pitcher and Announcer” Keller
- Chase “This Is Gonna Be Iffy” Vaughan
- Shaw “Oh Wait, I Have an Idea” Rowe
- Josh “Yeah, We’re Coming” McKinnon
- Matt “Back Up, He’s Kicking” Conover
- Travis “Kick It Right Here Baby” Hellstrom
- Jodie “Delete That Picture!” Hall
- Edmond “Base Diving” Bailey
- Megan “No, Don’t!” Rowe
- Heather “Let’s be The Cool Kids” Davis
For the pyramid, for the laying down line-up, for the still shot base dive, for the crumpling first base gut shot, for the long distance catches, for the long distance misses, for the hits, bunts, fake-outs, laughs, craziness and friendship, thank you each very much. It’s fun to be able to relax with friends who can have so much fun together. I think the grass stains will come out, but I have a feeling the smiles are going to stay right where they are.
Kickball Kickoff!
Elementary school isn’t the only place kids play kickball. Today ten college kids got themselves out of bed on a Saturday morning and brought back the memories - running, diving, throwing, catching, passing, launching, rolling, frolicking, kicking and screaming. Team members included:
- Toni-Lyn “Veteran Pitcher and Announcer” Keller
- Chase “This Is Gonna Be Iffy” Vaughan
- Shaw “Oh Wait, I Have an Idea” Rowe
- Josh “Yeah, We’re Coming” McKinnon
- Matt “Back Up, He’s Kicking” Conover
- Travis “Kick It Right Here Baby” Hellstrom
- Jodie “Delete That Picture!” Hall
- Edmond “Base Diving” Bailey
- Megan “No, Don’t!” Rowe
- Heather “Let’s be The Cool Kids” Davis
For the pyramid, for the laying down line-up, for the still shot base dive, for the crumpling first base gut shot, for the long distance catches, for the long distance misses, for the hits, bunts, fake-outs, laughs, craziness and friendship, thank you each very much. It’s fun to be able to relax with friends who can have so much fun together. I think the grass stains will come out, but I have a feeling the smiles are going to stay right where they are.
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